Sunday, 08 November 2009

• Surviving British trains

  Trains are a major part of the English lifestyle. Every major city has many train stations, every town has at least one and many small and possibly insignificant places have one. Trains run at regular intervals throughout the day, and sometimes even run almost on time!
  
  

  
  

  
  When arriving at the train station of your choice in order to begin your journey, the first step is to buy a ticket for your journey. There are times when you can get away without paying, however you never know which times these will be until the end of your journey. You risk being fined should you be caught not paying and as such it is usually the best idea to opt for buying the ticket.
  
  

  
  

  
  (Note: Please do not actually buy a ticket to Bognor Regis. You do NOT want to go there)
  
  

  There are two main ways of buying a ticket, one being to queue at the ticket office and ask a real (live!) person for what you want. This is a good idea if you are not really all that sure what you want or what you are doing.
  
  The other option is to use the ticket machine in which you enter where you are going and what kind of ticket you wish to purchase. I prefer this as it does not involve speaking to people (I am anti-social) and it does not involve so much queuing (I am impatient).
  

  
  

  Once you have your ticket it is time to step onto the relevant platform. Check the screens to find where the train you want is leaving from. If you are unsure how to do this find a nice train Employee who will be more than happy to help you. If you cannot find any, or they all look really scary then either curl up in a ball crying, or take a random guess as to which platform you need and hope for the best.
  
  The worst that can happen is that you have an adventure! (Or get lost/murdered/raped/kidnapped)
  
  

  
  

  
  Now you find yourself standing on the platform waiting for your train to arrive. You realize that you are desperate for a wee. You have two options, brave the train station toilets or brave the train toilets when it arrives. I will outline tips/pros/cons for both options:
  
  Train station toilets: These usually look slightly worn and grubby. To use them in the cleanliness way possible pay attention to the following:
  
  1) Enter the first cubicle, check that the toilet is clean and has been flushed. Check there is toilet paper available.
  
  2) Turn to close the door. You may run into several problems at this point. You may find there is no lock, only half a lock, or that the door has somehow shifted and that it will not close completely.
  
  3) If this is the case go into the next cubicle and repeat steps one and two until you find a toilet that is both clean, flushed, has toilet paper and a working lock.
  
  4) Please ensure you wash your hands well before leaving the toilet area.
  
  Train toilets: These can be wonderfully clean and lovely. However they can also be really skanky or out of order completely. If this is the case you then have to walk through several more carriages to find another one which can result in falling and hitting your head.
  
  They are also usually completely electronic. Meaning you have to press a button to open, shut the and lock the door. I find this scary. What if the button stops working and you are stuck forever in a train toilet? For these reasons I tend to opt for train station toilets.
  
  If you are likely to be waiting on the platform for a while attempt to find a seat. These are usually in the form of benches. I recommend that if you are lucky enough to find a free one you sit right in the middle with it with any bags you have either side of you. This usually deters strangers from attempting to sit next to you. Alternatively, lie across it.
  
  Once your train has arrived step onto it. Please abide by the unwritten rule that you must let people get off the train before you get on. Pushing on regardless is just plain rude. You must then find a seat on the train. Where possible avoid sitting with other people. Walk up until you find a free set of chairs. If there are none then you may be forced to sit next to someone else. If this is the case select carefully.
  
  You do not want to end up next to anyone fat/smelly/ugly/annoyingly-talkative. Attractive men are usually your best option. However, please check for wedding rings. You do not want to be that girl who flirts with married men.
  
  

  
  

  
  You may now sit back and enjoy your journey. Music is acceptable provided you have earphones. Do not turn it up loud. Do not sing along. Remember no one else can hear the music, they can just hear your out-of-tune drone. Putting your feet up is also acceptable, but keep an eye out for train guards. They will tell you to put your feet down. Loud phone call conversations are unacceptable. If you must talk on the phone avoid saying 'I'M ON THE TRAIN'.
  
  If you are likely to fall asleep please be aware that this may cause you to miss your stop. No one will bother to wake you and check, though we may all glance at you no and then, wondering to ourselves if you were supposed to have got off yet.
  
  Have fun!
  
  What were your experiences with transportation abroad?
  
  

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