Monday, 31 August 2009
Who are these two men you say? Well... they are just the most badass mofos ever to walk the earth, third to just Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee! How could you not know Bear Grylls and Les Stroud starring in two of the best shows on the Discovery Channel, Man vs Wild and Survivorman.
The goal on their show is to get dropped off in remote locations around the world and teach viewers how to survive. Obviously both have a different approach on how to survive or they wouldn't each get a show. Bear Grylls sky dives to his location and with his film crew tracks the land looking for a way to get rescued, while drinking yellow water he made himself. Les Stroud on the other hand, gets dropped off along with camera gear and has seven days to survive before getting picked up by his crew, while showing you how to survive if you had a broken arm, but then scraping the idea after figuring out how hard it was to survive with just one arm.
They've traveled far and wide to many parts of the world around every continent. Bear Grylls was injured during an expedition in Antarctica, not for the show, but for charity, but what would happen if, for some idiotic chance, the studios(studio head heads can be pretty stupid, *ahem* Tom Rothman) accidentally dropped these two in the same location and they bumped into each other. What would they do?
Man vs. Wild vs. Survivorman
Bear Grylls: Hey, look at this. It's a dead Zebra. Must have been dead for about a couple days. Cut... You guys think it's good to eat? Didn't one of you guys bring a Survivor Guide for Douchebags?
Crew: Beats us Bear, we just film you. It does smell bloody awful. You sure it's only a couple days old?
Bear: No, but what hell.. Action! So this looks safe to eat. Let me get my knife and move these crawly buggers to the side and cut here. Mmmm.. That is good....
In runs in a man from the shadows.
Les Stroud: What the hell are you guys doing here, eh? You know you're not supposed to eat that, you'll get sick to your stomach.
Bear: Well, well, well, to what I owe the queen's pleasure? If it isn't the pikey himself.
Les: Hey watch it, or I'll slice you with my multi-tool. What are you and your boys doing in my turf. My cameras are already set up and filming me walking ten meters.
Bear: I was going to ask you the same bloody question. We have an assignment to film here, so why don't you take your cameras back to Canada.
Les: What are you talking about? I was sent here to Peru to survive so why don't you take your pretty boy arse and crew back to England.
Bear: Peru? Blimey! then what did I just eat?
Les: That was a rotting Llama retard.
Bear: Llama huh? Anyway go home, no one likes your boring show. You are frankly too depressing for my taste. All you do is whine, I need food, I need water, what a Nancy boy. Step aside and let a real man show the viewers how to survive.
Les: Hmm... Does a real man sleep at the Pines Resort when he should be sleeping in the tepee he made himself? Come to think of it, at least I don't drink my own lemon juice and eat berries from bear turd.
Les starts playing his harmonica
Bear: Better my lemon juice than your homo milk. Is that harmonica all you can do? You can't build a raft, kill wild animals, or climb glaciers or mountains tops. Hell, if you do climb, you would have to go back and get your bleeding cameras after you have filmed yourself climbing up.
Bear laughs hysterically.
Les: Yeah, laugh it off pretty boy. At least I'm real and surviving on my own. I can't get magically cleaned up after jumping in quicksand or sleeping in a belly of a Camel. I'm surviving the real and right way and not drink piss or eat wet brownies.
Bear: To hell you are. You look like crap after you're done with your seven days then you scream like a little pansy. I bet you would not last one more day if you wanted to. At least my crew and I try to show the viewers how to find rescue. Building a better raft than that bastard Tom Hanks.
Les: Well, I don't drink piss or eat doo doo butter.
Bear: You know what, what don't we forget this whole thing and combine the two shows together. "Survivorman vs Wild" Batman and Robin. The Green Hornet and Kato. What do you say? We'll be the worst thing to mother nature. Wild animals beware.
Les: There would be no more lost reports or remote locations because everyone would be able to survive because of us. Lets do it.
The two jump in front of the cameras for a freeze frame ending like an 80's action movie, but it didn't occur to them it was a cliff they jumped off of. Miraculously, Bear was supported by kung fu movie fish lines and stopped avoiding dropping to his death. While Les well placed cameras filmed him falling to certian death at the end of his final seven days and was caught by a person with a flying jet pack.
Which show do you think is better? Man vs Wild or Survivorman?