Wednesday, 24 June 2009

  • How to Dress Like a Tourist

    source

    Living in New York City, I pride myself on my ability to pick out tourists, especially as they step timidly into the subway, looking like a wounded deer or rabbit caught in a bear trap. The way a person dresses and carries themselves pretty much gives it away for me. Here are some tips for how to dress and act like a tourist (in case, you know, it becomes a trend or if you ever need to go undercover in your own city).

    1. Don a fanny pack and a visible camera case. To appear like a tourist, you must have all of your most important essentials conveniently located around your waist. The best fabrics for your fanny pack are a polyester/nylon blend in a neon hue. Your camera case should ideally be as large as possible, similar in size to a toaster oven or shoe box. Neither of these items should have been purchased or made before 1986.

    2. Always wear socks. Visible socks. Socks with hiking sandals, socks that come half-way up the shin with sneakers and a pair of denim capri pants or  shorts, socks that are folded over at the ankle with double knotted running shoes. In case you decide to climb a mountain or the steps.

    3. Consult several maps and guides, repeatedly, in the course of a few minutes. Compare notes with other maps, tourists, natives, especially with the natives. You should ideally have at least three maps in addition to your Fodor's and Lonely Planet. At least one of  these maps should be laminated. Unfold the entire map and hold it up in front of you. Struggle as you attempt to refold. Gaze dumbfounded while pointing to said map. Ask person closest to you where a place is. Stop listening to him/her half-way through their directions to ask the person to their left. Repeat. Re-consult map and force stranger to point at map with you.

    4. Tuck in shirt. Shirt should ideally be tucked into a pair of pants or shorts that are fastened via tie string or belt. Tie with a bow. Throughout course of day, shirt should come untucked in various places. Do not retuck.

    5. Move slowly, travel in large packs, stop frequently. Especially applicable in large crowded areas. Take as many pictures as possible. Try to include strangers in these pictures. They like that.

    6. Talk loudly, use gesturing. This is great if you speak a different/obscure language. Gesturing can include pointing at strangers, then making loud foreign observation, and laughing. If on public transportation, try to sit on opposite ends of the train/bus and talk to each other across the vehicle. Ask others to pass notes for you or to be quiet so you can hear your friend.

    7. Maintain a general appearance of befuddledness. Furrow your brow, purse your lips, narrow your eyes. Depending on age, (if older) place hands on hips. Younger? Cross arms over chest. Crucial when entering public transportation or museum or restaurant. See number 5 for more guidelines.

    Please know that the above criteria are simply suggestions and not meant to followed explicitly or taken seriously.

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